Why Not, I Don't Know (Steve)

Back with the band, things were just not the same. Andreas's flute playing was halfhearted. Without Mira, the flute section did not possess its natural life. Absent of Kyle's jokes and charming appeal, the band room was dismal and somber. Everyone else seemed to feel his absence like a black cloud looming overhead. I could tell their hearts just weren't in the music. They were troubled deeply as I was.

I told a doctor in the hospital how I feel worthless and useless and like I should die. He just said it was a "natural reaction to chronic illness" and that I should quit my job as a band director. Well, that was helpful! I can't quit on my band. The band was keeping me alive despite the fact that I wanted to do nothing else. I loved my kids and their sounds. My beginners' smiles knowing they just played their first scale was an anesthetic for my pain, but it faded quickly.

Our next concert was a vocaloid-themed concert. It was time that Mindcrack's students got some real musical challenges and vocaloid provided just that. The orchestra was playing Rolling Girl, the choir was performing World's End Dancehall, and the band was playing Lost One's Weeping. Dance, as far as I knew, was performing Outer Science. Austin had to cover Kyle's part for Lost One's Weeping and Rolling Girl. He was a good musician, but it just wasn't the same without Kyle. What Austin had in technique he lacked in passion. We might as well use a drum machine.

Not only did we lack an excellent musician, but Mindcrack lacked an excellent person. It was frequently that I saw him encouraging other students to do their best regardless of whether they were sixth graders or seniors. One of my seventh grade trumpeters, Alice, was upset because she didn't make it into youth orchestra. Though not especially talented, her work ethic was unrivaled among the middle school band. She lapsed into apathy and laziness after rejection. It was Kyle who helped her get back on her feet and back into music. He had a gift for encouraging others. I held back tears at the thought of him wanting to die. The band wasn't a band without him.

Havencraft High School drama students were performing Reboot using the band and orchestra as background music. Emmeline was one of the leads. She was playing the girl with green hair. Somehow, I did not think it suited her, but Emmeline is not one to play a part halfheartedly whether it's her volleyball kills, tenor sax music, running in track, or...acting?

The sort of a band played Lost One's Weeping apathetically and confusedly. The trumpets fracked a lot. The flutes were all out of tune. The percussion was way off. Everything fell apart in a matter of seconds. Maybe they didn't need me as I thought they did. Another director would be better for them, anyone but me.

When the high school students left, I listened to some vocaloid music. The song Abstract Nonsense came on. Rin's voice carried the feelings I was trying to hide. A sword would be in my chest if not for my fear of suffering. No one knew I felt this way, not even Caitlin. I feared what would happen to her if she found out. I found a list of names for next year's beginning band, the band I feared I wouldn't live to teach:

• Albright, Caitlyn
• Castellanos, Felix 
• Fessler, Zoie 
• Hiyashida, Kaito 
• Miller, Stephen
• Murakami, Kiyoshi
• Paik, Aisha
• Roth, Adrian 
• Rowe, Adrienne (This is going to get really confusing.)
• Soulard, Nathalie 
• Vincent-Dupont, Alexandria
• Yamamoto, Jiro

I skimmed through my other rosters. Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours, and hours to days. I turned to mending a trumpet's stuck valve, a flute's screw, and a guitar's string. Even hearing Emilia's progress did not brighten my heart. The leftover spaghetti from last night tasted like ashes mixed with glue.

I was indifferent to the sound of a trumpet fanfare, something that would ordinarily make me feel this transcendent euphoria unlike anything else. Everyone who expressed their concern I said I was fine although I wasn't. Why not, I don't know.