Arigato (Caitlin)

During the brass band concert, my sleeve slipped to reveal the slashes on my wrist. When a rest came, I tugged at it quickly. I continued pressing the valves and pushing air through my horn despite the fact that the hot air I blew stung the fresh wounds on my right wrist. We were playing an arrangement of Abstract Nonsense made by a student that won our arranging contest. The trumpets sounded a little less confident. It was clear that Steve's absence adversely affected the band's sound. I couldn't help but think of him as I played on.

I thought of the faint scar on his chest that was different from all the others, clearly a sword cut from a diamond sword with Sharpness V. He is the only one I know with a sword enchanted at that level. I thought of the thoughts running that must have been through his head, that he wanted to end the pain. At the cutoff, I turned my music to Ugly Guy Documentary, a welcome diversion. 

The melody was upbeat as I kept my part in the bass line. I looked around at the other members, wondering if they ever felt too unattractive to approach the one they loved. I suppose that, if the song were about a girl, it would be called Ugly Girl Documentary and it would be Rin looking at shonen mangas to in order to know what kind of girl is cool right now. The flugelhorns were featured in this song, a refreshing change from our usual trumpet-heavy style. 

I would have to get up in front of the band and sing Kokoro Kisei after intermission. No one expects the meek fourth horn to step in front of the band and do it. It is an Impulsive Brass Band tradition that one of the (vocally trained) members sings over the band. I had to duet with Landon. As much as I hated the guy and he hated me, we put up with it professionally. In hindsight, his insults made me a stronger musician. They motivated me to prove that I was more than the one with the cane, that I had rightfully earned my spot as a fourth horn.

He tripped me on my way to the piano, begrudgingly helped me up, and insulting me all the way there. However, unlike before, I didn't break down and cry. Although I was strongly tempted, I instead steeled myself to his weapons.
          "Why do you keep mistreating me? I just want to know why." He did not respond, instead walking faster to the practice room, likely out of me having asked an awkward question
          "I don't know, but I'm sorry." What kind of response was that? 

We ran through our lip trills and other vocal warm-ups together, laughing at how silly we looked. Landon gave me a smile and asked me how I got vocally trained. I told him about how I was in choir since fourth grade. I loved to sing. If I could sing, I could be happy. He told me the same, that if he could sing, the worries would melt away. 

          "I apologize." Landon turned to me and eyed me with compassion I never knew he had. It shocked me to the core. Every impression I had ever made was false. "I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you. It was not only unprofessional, but unethical of me. I'll understand if you can never forgive me, but please do that. It would mean a lot to me." The long-running grudges ran into the new man in front of me, colliding into each other. Could I forget what he had done to me? Absolutely not.
          "You know what you did is unforgivable, right?" I stared him down and pierced his soul, not for retribution, but for something more powerful.

However, I did not want revenge. As many a history textbook has proven, revenge does not get anyone anywhere. 

But could I forgive this man? The one who laughed at me and even kicked me in the side on one occasion? The one who made me feel undesirable, accused me of faking my seizures, and questioned my abilities routinely? I know Steve would have wanted me to fight him, preferably by sending an arrow through his head, but I chose not to fight him. It is easy to pull out a sword, but it is hard to let a stranger into your heart. It is harder still to let an enemy into your heart.

And that is what I chose by saying this simple, but utterly revolutionary phrase: "I forgive you anyway." My sleeve fell down my arm again when I studied the hiragana/romaji sheet. Before I could pull it up, Landon took my hand. It would have been useless as the red marks bled through to the surface fairly obviously. Still, I yanked it back defensively. No one knew what those scars meant, not even Steve. I awkwardly shoved my face in the hiragana sheet. 

          "Please don't do this to yourself. Contrary to what I have said before, you are a useful, capable, intelligent musician. I know it sounds like I'm just giving platitudes, but I know what it's like to be attacked and belittled for something I can't control." He pleaded with me earnestly. After that, we decided to rest our voices. Who would have thought that the one to reach out to me and know about the scars would have been my (now former) worst enemy? I thought it would have been Steve, Sylvia, or maybe even Alex, given her perceptiveness, who knew first. Never had I thought it would be Landon. 

Someone told us we had five minutes to be onstage. Before making our way on, we hugged, not romantically, but perfectly platonically, as friends. The audience welcomed us warmly as if they were aware of our change of heart. The band, well aware of this, applauded with them. When the band started, we rested until it was time to sing.

It was easy to tell who understood Japanese in the audience, or at least who was familiar with vocaloid. They started tearing up halfway through the song. Landon and I glanced at each other sang as if we were the lonely scientist and the miracle robot. I was pleasantly surprised that our voices could carry over the band and still sound good. Even though neither of us knew Japanese, we sang with an emotion that suggested otherwise...until I came to a certain passage in the song. Ari-ga-to...Ari-ga-to...

"Arigato" meant "Thank you," and I meant it. Thank you, Landon. Thank you for being the friend I needed at the time, even when you thought I wouldn't do the same. Thank you for trusting me with your kokoro, even if I wasn't at first willing to trust you with mine. You are more compassionate man than I have ever given you credit for. It was my mistake for thinking that you were just another bully, but I was terribly wrong.

After our performance, Landon thanked me profusely for forgiving him.
          "You were brave to ask for my forgiveness. You were the first enemy I've truly forgiven. It takes a great deal of courage to show someone your heart."
          "You are braver than I ever could be and I mean it. You have the guts to stand up and speak, but you also have the guts to sit down and listen. I admire that. If you need anything, let me know."
          "Arigato."