The cake was delicious. Every other course was seasoned to perfection. The venue was beautiful. The decorations made everything cohesive. My dress fit like a dream. The man who would wait for
me at the end of the aisle made it all seem like none of this was real.
But something was amiss. I looked at myself in the mirror, at my messy hair and the dark circles under my eyes. I looked again at the scars on my arms. How could anyone find me desirable? Surely Steve intended to marry one of my sisters and not me. I did not deserve his loving touch or his nearly absolute devotion. I'm nothing but a burden. If not for my medical expenses, he could have paid off Alice's easily. I just live off his altruism like everyone says I do. I don't contribute anything useful or help anyone, at least nothing noteworthy.
I visited Alice in the hospital yesterday. She looked like a shadow of herself in that hospital gown, but she still had her persistent spirit. That girl went through so much with so little. I wondered, honestly, how she got by each day. Alice told me that everything was going "according to plan" with regards to her treatments, which I suppose was good, but no one actively plans to have cancer. I guess it's just one of those platitudes for use in situations when there's really nothing good to say.
The night sky glistened just beyond my window. I walked over it, wanting to touch it. Such a thought was foolish, but my impulses got the better of me. I opened the door, stepped outside, and felt the cold air on my face. I stepped out slowly, feeling the ground beneath my bare feet, and leaned on the balcony to gaze upon the desert landscape. Frustrated at my uselessness, I readied my bow and dashed a creeper's brains out. It would be one less exploding green thing terrorizing people.
I found a chair and looked up. Nothing was above me, just the sky. I was on the top floor with about twenty floors below me. Just before the desert, I saw people enjoying the hotel pool. Concrete surrounded the pool area along with a few trees. I wondered how it would feel falling from this height--or if I would feel anything at all.
It then occurred to me why I was on the top floor. Steve wanted me to jump. I'd just be a blood stain on the pavement to clean up and dispose of if I had the courage to do it. No one would notice if I was gone. Even if one person did, they'd move on with their life as if nothing ever happened. I could get myself beyond the balcony if I really wanted to. It's been said around the Internet that I shouldn't let my disabilities get in the way of me obtaining the things I desire. Well, now I desired to explode into a million pieces and get out of everyone's hair.
But why can't I do it when a simple shuffle over the railing is all I need to achieve my goal? Why am I so afraid to do something that will benefit everyone in my life? Pain is no stranger to me and I'm pretty sure a fall from this height would be fatal. Hotel staff passed underneath me. The people in the pool continued swimming. None of them would be concerned, let alone grieve. They would just scrape everything off the ground and continue with their lives.
I pulled myself up, my arms shaking from the effort. I shifted forward, throwing one leg, then the other, over the railing and relaxing my hands.
The night sky glistened just beyond my window. I walked over it, wanting to touch it. Such a thought was foolish, but my impulses got the better of me. I opened the door, stepped outside, and felt the cold air on my face. I stepped out slowly, feeling the ground beneath my bare feet, and leaned on the balcony to gaze upon the desert landscape. Frustrated at my uselessness, I readied my bow and dashed a creeper's brains out. It would be one less exploding green thing terrorizing people.
I found a chair and looked up. Nothing was above me, just the sky. I was on the top floor with about twenty floors below me. Just before the desert, I saw people enjoying the hotel pool. Concrete surrounded the pool area along with a few trees. I wondered how it would feel falling from this height--or if I would feel anything at all.
It then occurred to me why I was on the top floor. Steve wanted me to jump. I'd just be a blood stain on the pavement to clean up and dispose of if I had the courage to do it. No one would notice if I was gone. Even if one person did, they'd move on with their life as if nothing ever happened. I could get myself beyond the balcony if I really wanted to. It's been said around the Internet that I shouldn't let my disabilities get in the way of me obtaining the things I desire. Well, now I desired to explode into a million pieces and get out of everyone's hair.
But why can't I do it when a simple shuffle over the railing is all I need to achieve my goal? Why am I so afraid to do something that will benefit everyone in my life? Pain is no stranger to me and I'm pretty sure a fall from this height would be fatal. Hotel staff passed underneath me. The people in the pool continued swimming. None of them would be concerned, let alone grieve. They would just scrape everything off the ground and continue with their lives.
I pulled myself up, my arms shaking from the effort. I shifted forward, throwing one leg, then the other, over the railing and relaxing my hands.
No...no no No No NO
ReplyDeleteI'm actually crying right now. Why do you give me these feelings?!!!!!!!