I Have Become What You Like (Steve)

I'm in for another TV interview. I got my cosmetics bag out and began applying my makeup. It's been easier to just do it myself rather than flag down the studio's makeup artist before every shoot. Before applying primer, I blotted my nose to get rid of any excess oil and sprayed my face with moisture mist. I'm so glad that Ayako told me about this product because matte foundation and powder are very drying. As I did the rest, I thought of how the wear and tear of performance influenced my life.

I have a love-hate relationship with performing. While I love it, it wears down on me. The nature of performance demands setting aside a part of one's self for the duration of a concert, interview, or other event. Do that day in and day out and that part of yourself will eventually dissolve into nothing as you turn to performance more and more for your sense of identity. If success is becoming what people like, I have done just that. However, I never felt as though I have succeeded at anything.
          "Twenty minutes!" a studio executive called. I looked in the mirror again and blended everything out again. I curled my eyelashes. This was my TV face, the one that everyone knew and loved. All I need to do is tap out the right words like the right notes and do it the right way.

        "Five minutes!" After a quick trip to the restroom, I was ready for the camera. My device was fully charged and hasn't rage quitted on me yet, which was a good sign. I made my way to my seat on cue as I always do. The host, Alana, had an inviting smile.
 
       "This is and this is 'Where are they now?' As you may know, Steve Lowell used to be a violin prodigy and went on to be the star of his high school spleef team and the slayer of the Ender Dragon. He is the face of Minecraft and, not only that, he is an accomplished musician. Well, that's enough of me. We all know who we're here to see." I walked on and waved to the audience as per usual. They applauded. "So, how does it feel to be one of Minecraft's biggest successes?"

Success? What is success anyway? Is "success" a ten year old boy playing until his fingers bled and his arm screamed in agony or is it a senior buying pizza for his friends to celebrate a pivotal victory? Most of my "successes" were me saying "yes" and executing whatever tasks people wanted me to do. I felt my identity slipping away, but I kept doing it to hear people telling me that I did a good job, whatever that was. I became a copycat, a man with a mirror for a face.

The problem is? I need to be always on, always shifting. I need to charming, confident, funny, strong, talented and, in all other ways, the man people want me to be. Although I love the applause after a good performance more than anything, I want to be free to shut some of those qualities off and just be. It'd be nice to turn off strong and admit when I'm sad or scared or turn off talented and cheer on my friends in the audience. One of the attributes that I owe my successes to is that I can't help but draw attention to myself. Over the years, I've come to hate it. Despite having everything that anyone could ever want, I'm still not satisfied.

I wanted to tell Alana what I felt, honestly, but I ended up giving the same generic answer as always. I don't know how to be myself anymore. This is what you wanted, right? I'm just a face and a name to the lot of you. Keep demanding from me. All I can do is emulate anyway.