Don't Do It (Steve)

"It's just a seizure." A lot of people said that to me. "She'll get over it in time." I don't think they understand what it means. I mean, losing control of one's body must be terrifying. Caitlin was still flopped over my lap fast asleep. I washed the vomit out of her hair only five minutes ago. My head still felt like it was spinning. Reassuringly, Caitlin shifted as if to let me know she was okay. Her breathing got erratic, so I took care of that. I decided to talk to Farkas again. He would know what to make of my current situation. Apparently, things were hitting Anna pretty hard.

I found her hunched over the toilet after getting back from a quest. People don't know this side of having a loved one with a brain tumor. They think they do, but they don't.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry. I didn't really know what else to say. Did I really need to burden him with my situation on top of that?

But that's enough about us. What about you guys?

I don't want to talk about it. Well, really, I did.

That's a sign you should. 

Fine, but know that I'm not trying to pit my struggle against yours.

I know that. Tell me.

Well, it's about Caitlin, but not really. My anxiety is through the roof right now. As I was dealing with another one of her seizures, I threw up. Being unable to think, I just did stuff with muscle memory. I still feel like my head is going to fly off its axis.

I know how that feels.

And these people kept dismissing it. Then again, I bet a lot of people have trouble imagining things from our side. The infographics are helpful, but they don't portray emotion. It's like comparing a MIDI file to sitting in the orchestra yourself.

Ugh. Well, I hope everything goes well.

Nathan showed up before I could respond. We ran through some lip slurs. Nathan was obviously not having lip slurs today. I suggested he switch mouthpieces. He switched to one with a smaller cup size. That improved his lip slurs dramatically. We worked on marching band music together. Noticing that he was dragging, I put on the metronome. He struggled with the higher notes, probably because his lip slurs were bad that day. After the lesson, I noticed a blue, pink, and purple button on the ear of his cat-shaped backpack.
         "What's that?"
         "It's a bisexual pride button."
         "Are you bisexual?"
         "...Yes. Probably because I'm so indecisive." He laughed. It's always interesting to learn about students' lives beyond the horn "The only downside is it's kind of an idiot magnet. Someone overturned my wheelchair--with me in it--while yelling 'Disabled LGBT lives matter!' Hypocrisy much?" I hate it when people do that. It's irrational and it hurts people, so why do people do it? "By the way, you're a much better band director than the one at my school." After Nathan had left, I noticed that he managed to take away some of my tension.

I decided to get back to messaging while entering grades for my students. Caitlin was still fast asleep. She reached out in my direction, so I sat closer to her.

A lot of people think I'm a hero who took on a burden, but they don't take into account what Caitlin does for me. She loves me to the point it's safe to bet that she'd take a sword or a bow for me (though I wouldn't let her do that) and reassures me when I'm anxious. More than that, Caitlin saved my life. I thought I would die on my quest to slay the Ender Dragon. I intended to die disguising a suicide as a heroic quest, but Caitlin healed me and enabled me to complete my battle. Has Anna ever made you feel that way?

In a way, I guess. She helps me sleep. :)

That's always nice. 

I closed my computer and took the towel off of Caitlin's hair. It was almost dry, but it was still somewhat damp. I ran my hands through her hair (1) because I like the way it feels and (2) to help it dry. I found a note and read it.

Don't try to stop my next seizure. If it kills me, that's fine, because it's what everyone wants anyway.

My eyes started filling with tears. That is not what anyone wants! Think of your sixth graders and how you completely changed their character for the better in a year. Think of your private students and the skills they have developed thanks to your careful attention and heartfelt praise. You play second, third, or fourth better than most people play first. That's not something a lot of people can do well.

Think of me. Why would I have taken you with me if you did not matter? You gave my life meaning. You sustained my breath and made it worth breathing. Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? The tears started falling from my eyes, one after another. I ended up breaking down and sobbing. I have only one of you, you know. You sustained my breath and made it worth breathing. You are my companion, my duet partner, and my confidante.

My mind travelled back to my suicide attempt. A cursory glance would make the average person fear for Caitlin's life, but the one who was dying was me. I thought a bottle of pills would fix my problems. If I was dead, things couldn't get any worse, right? Wrong. Things couldn't get better if I had died. I never want that to happen to Caitlin. Alex would be devastated. Her smile can brighten anyone's day. I'd hate to see it wiped off her face. I'm already worried about Alice because hardworking people with low self-esteem rarely break, but it is very difficult, if not impossible to build them back up when they do.

Please don't do this to me.

Don't do it.