Here I am at home with only a healing punctured lung and Lisette is at orchestra with probably the worst psychological wounds she will ever suffer in her lifetime. It's hard enough living with a disability of her nature and even harder to be doxxed over innocent Tweets. I can't imagine what life is like for her after all of this, especially since I brought her and some other students into this situation in the first place.
I have no feelings of hatred towards Masumi Shoji, the main perpetrator. Am I angry? Am I appalled? Yes. But I don't hate her. I refuse to do so. Hate is the popular response. Hate gives people allies. But I don't want allies. I want to do the right thing. My dog licked my fingers and settled in a position where I could pet him. I did so. Ever since my time in the hospital, my life came to a crashing halt. I'm not particularly religious, but maybe some higher power needed to force me to stop and reflect.
Landon sent me another video of his skating progress and, speaking of Landon, I've been considering ending my relationship with him. My intentions weren't true and my judgment wasn't clear when I decided to pursue the relationship. The shock of losing Caitlin had caused me to act in ways I wouldn't otherwise act. I kept comparing my previous relationship with this one and never quite got over it. I'm worried that, if I continue down this route, we'll both get hurt. It's like preventing an infection with alcohol. Both of us need to deal with the initial sting in order to prevent agony down the road.
But the question is: Should I tell him? I'd hate to crush his spirit with something like this, especially since what happened at the Desert Violin Convention affected him just as much as it affected me. However, at the same time, I need to tell him. I can't keep putting it off pretending everything's alright when it's not. I thought I need to love someone else in order to distract myself from my grief, but it just occurred to me that I need to learn how to love and be honest with myself.
"My intentions weren't true and my judgement wasn't clear when I decided to pursue the relationship".
ReplyDeleteAnd Lisette - isn't she a legend?
It's very current with this poet being doxxed over Tweets for the Higher School Certificate. Would recommend that you read "Mangoes" by Ellen van Neerven sooner rather than later - if you read poetry, Ender-Chan.
And the Desert Violin Convention has such an afterlife.
Love as distraction from grief - a tricky one!
And you can never be distracted from yourself - successfully distracted, that is.