I'm singing Odds and Ends for my senior showcase and it seems that it was only yesterday that I learned to love the sound of my voice. I wished Caitlin were here to see me sing, but maybe she'll hear me in spirit. When I talked with her, I confessed that I hated my voice. I was in choir at the time and the director kept trying to hide my voice, but it always managed to stick out like a sore thumb. Did the choir director hate me or my voice?
The choir director called my voice the most unpleasant, grating sound that she had ever heard. As hard as I tried to sing classically, it wouldn't work. She told me I was straining, but this was just how my voice sounded. I tried persuading her to let me sing in the way that felt natural for me, but the choir director always told me that my voice was unfit for human ears.
It was then that my sister introduced me to Vocaloid and suggested that I sing from that genre. But would anyone take me seriously if I suggested it? She helped me with my first set of English lyrics and, when I sang, everyone said I was talented. I left choir and joined drama where my voice was actually wanted. I sang as much Vocaloid as my heart desired, examining the themes of each song. By that, I don't mean AP lit style analysis, but something deeper and more meaningful. Regardless of who sang it, the song was mine to sing and I would sing accordingly.
If I keep going the way I'm going, I'll graduate as valedictorian, athlete of the year, and musician of the year. I should be excited and ready to conquer the world, right? On the contrary, I'm terrified. I only know how to excel within a system. I only learned how to make myself look better. All I can do is uphold a system, not shape or invent one. What happens when I can't break from a system if I find it cruel or unjust? Caitlin warned me about this, but I didn't listen. The damage has been done and I fall apart bit by bit each day, into odds and ends.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Reflections on Rightness (Steve)
Here I am at home with only a healing punctured lung and Lisette is at orchestra with probably the worst psychological wounds she will ever suffer in her lifetime. It's hard enough living with a disability of her nature and even harder to be doxxed over innocent Tweets. I can't imagine what life is like for her after all of this, especially since I brought her and some other students into this situation in the first place.
I have no feelings of hatred towards Masumi Shoji, the main perpetrator. Am I angry? Am I appalled? Yes. But I don't hate her. I refuse to do so. Hate is the popular response. Hate gives people allies. But I don't want allies. I want to do the right thing. My dog licked my fingers and settled in a position where I could pet him. I did so. Ever since my time in the hospital, my life came to a crashing halt. I'm not particularly religious, but maybe some higher power needed to force me to stop and reflect.
Landon sent me another video of his skating progress and, speaking of Landon, I've been considering ending my relationship with him. My intentions weren't true and my judgment wasn't clear when I decided to pursue the relationship. The shock of losing Caitlin had caused me to act in ways I wouldn't otherwise act. I kept comparing my previous relationship with this one and never quite got over it. I'm worried that, if I continue down this route, we'll both get hurt. It's like preventing an infection with alcohol. Both of us need to deal with the initial sting in order to prevent agony down the road.
But the question is: Should I tell him? I'd hate to crush his spirit with something like this, especially since what happened at the Desert Violin Convention affected him just as much as it affected me. However, at the same time, I need to tell him. I can't keep putting it off pretending everything's alright when it's not. I thought I need to love someone else in order to distract myself from my grief, but it just occurred to me that I need to learn how to love and be honest with myself.
I have no feelings of hatred towards Masumi Shoji, the main perpetrator. Am I angry? Am I appalled? Yes. But I don't hate her. I refuse to do so. Hate is the popular response. Hate gives people allies. But I don't want allies. I want to do the right thing. My dog licked my fingers and settled in a position where I could pet him. I did so. Ever since my time in the hospital, my life came to a crashing halt. I'm not particularly religious, but maybe some higher power needed to force me to stop and reflect.
Landon sent me another video of his skating progress and, speaking of Landon, I've been considering ending my relationship with him. My intentions weren't true and my judgment wasn't clear when I decided to pursue the relationship. The shock of losing Caitlin had caused me to act in ways I wouldn't otherwise act. I kept comparing my previous relationship with this one and never quite got over it. I'm worried that, if I continue down this route, we'll both get hurt. It's like preventing an infection with alcohol. Both of us need to deal with the initial sting in order to prevent agony down the road.
But the question is: Should I tell him? I'd hate to crush his spirit with something like this, especially since what happened at the Desert Violin Convention affected him just as much as it affected me. However, at the same time, I need to tell him. I can't keep putting it off pretending everything's alright when it's not. I thought I need to love someone else in order to distract myself from my grief, but it just occurred to me that I need to learn how to love and be honest with myself.
The Road to Recovery (Jordan)
I've taken matters into my own hands and now it's time to place them in someone else's.
I'm waiting to meet with a counselor about whatever's going on with Alex. She keeps insisting that she's fat and disgusting when that couldn't be further from the truth. Lately, she's taken to eating rather hastily, not talking to me about her day, and cutting friends off with very little warning. Her personality made a 180 from where it originally was and part of me thinks I'm to blame. Looking back, I probably indirectly drove her into the overachiever mindset by way of my use of language which places emphasis on achievement rather than intrinsic value. The pediatric psychologist, Dr. Eugenia Liu, helped me to see that. She has been a great help for both of us.
Not only that, Dr. Liu helped Alex pinpoint one of the sources of her distorted body image. She told me that part of it had to do with her old vocal teacher's suicide. Alex told us that she felt like she wasn't good enough for Caitlin, one of the key positive female role models in her life, to stay around. She blamed herself and even said that she thought Caitlin would have stayed if she were thinner.
We're also meeting with a nutritionist, a family counselor, and her doctor. I've never had so many people fighting specifically for Alex since her birth. After she grew from a baby to a child, everyone sort of left. I was too stubborn and proud to ask for help, so I tried to do everything on my own. I don't know how, but I managed until now. I tried to get Alex to eat something, but she either didn't eat enough or wouldn't eat altogether. Rewards didn't work and neither did explaining the consequences of starving herself.
Alex is still in bed because she doesn't have the energy to do much else. One can only hope that she can rise above all of this and somehow make it through life as a semi-decent person. But I've never been one to settle for semi-decent and neither has Alex. She's young and can recover; it's just a matter of when and how. If it means I have to go a week without even glancing at a sword, so be it. Alex needs me, not what I can do, but me.
I'm waiting to meet with a counselor about whatever's going on with Alex. She keeps insisting that she's fat and disgusting when that couldn't be further from the truth. Lately, she's taken to eating rather hastily, not talking to me about her day, and cutting friends off with very little warning. Her personality made a 180 from where it originally was and part of me thinks I'm to blame. Looking back, I probably indirectly drove her into the overachiever mindset by way of my use of language which places emphasis on achievement rather than intrinsic value. The pediatric psychologist, Dr. Eugenia Liu, helped me to see that. She has been a great help for both of us.
Not only that, Dr. Liu helped Alex pinpoint one of the sources of her distorted body image. She told me that part of it had to do with her old vocal teacher's suicide. Alex told us that she felt like she wasn't good enough for Caitlin, one of the key positive female role models in her life, to stay around. She blamed herself and even said that she thought Caitlin would have stayed if she were thinner.
We're also meeting with a nutritionist, a family counselor, and her doctor. I've never had so many people fighting specifically for Alex since her birth. After she grew from a baby to a child, everyone sort of left. I was too stubborn and proud to ask for help, so I tried to do everything on my own. I don't know how, but I managed until now. I tried to get Alex to eat something, but she either didn't eat enough or wouldn't eat altogether. Rewards didn't work and neither did explaining the consequences of starving herself.
Alex is still in bed because she doesn't have the energy to do much else. One can only hope that she can rise above all of this and somehow make it through life as a semi-decent person. But I've never been one to settle for semi-decent and neither has Alex. She's young and can recover; it's just a matter of when and how. If it means I have to go a week without even glancing at a sword, so be it. Alex needs me, not what I can do, but me.
Monday, October 2, 2017
The Desert Violin Convention (Landon)
"You need to come with me right now." A rink attendant came up to me just as I was about to practice my quad axel again. If not for the makeup, all color on her face would have vanished. "Get Mark too." What was going on? I skated over to Mark and called his name. Confused, we put on our skate guards and moved past the other skaters as quickly as we could. I still had my skates on, but I put on my guards. We followed the attendant and she sat us down.
"There was a shooting at the Desert Violin Convention."
"Does it involve anyone we know?" Mark always knew what questions to ask. I felt like there was tape over my mouth. Lisette had messaged me for days on end about how excited she was for the convention. Is she okay? Is she alive? I was the one who suggested that she go to the violin convention. The last thing I need is more blood on my hands.
"The good news, Landon, is that your sister is okay. She somehow managed to escape with only a few scrapes. However, she still needs your full support as she just survived the worst mass shooting since Havencraft." She was okay. That was all I needed to hear. She went on to mention some Mineplex students who attended the convention. One was shot in the leg. Another had injuries from falling on a broken violin. But that didn't matter. Lisette was okay.
"Any bad news?"
"Steve was shot in the back and one of his lungs was punctured. The surgeons have worked very hard and his recovery is going smoothly." My stomach started churning. No. No. No. "He protected your sister. If you want to visit, he would probably like that, but you probably want to practice that quad axel again."
When I got up, my legs would not support my weight. I had to lean on Mark for support, both physical and mental. I didn't feel right skating, not now. I called Phillip to tell him about what happened at the Desert Violin Convention and that I wouldn't be able to practice today. I managed to choke out a few words before vomiting in a trashcan. I'm the one who deserves to be injured in a shooting, not Steve, not after all he's done for everyone.
"There was a shooting at the Desert Violin Convention."
"Does it involve anyone we know?" Mark always knew what questions to ask. I felt like there was tape over my mouth. Lisette had messaged me for days on end about how excited she was for the convention. Is she okay? Is she alive? I was the one who suggested that she go to the violin convention. The last thing I need is more blood on my hands.
"The good news, Landon, is that your sister is okay. She somehow managed to escape with only a few scrapes. However, she still needs your full support as she just survived the worst mass shooting since Havencraft." She was okay. That was all I needed to hear. She went on to mention some Mineplex students who attended the convention. One was shot in the leg. Another had injuries from falling on a broken violin. But that didn't matter. Lisette was okay.
"Any bad news?"
"Steve was shot in the back and one of his lungs was punctured. The surgeons have worked very hard and his recovery is going smoothly." My stomach started churning. No. No. No. "He protected your sister. If you want to visit, he would probably like that, but you probably want to practice that quad axel again."
When I got up, my legs would not support my weight. I had to lean on Mark for support, both physical and mental. I didn't feel right skating, not now. I called Phillip to tell him about what happened at the Desert Violin Convention and that I wouldn't be able to practice today. I managed to choke out a few words before vomiting in a trashcan. I'm the one who deserves to be injured in a shooting, not Steve, not after all he's done for everyone.
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