Thanks to the help of the nutritionist, Alex is already taller than I am. She's been growing like a jungle vine and, because of it, she needs lots of food...that she still refuses to eat. We're making progress, though. Alex ate a fruit and yogurt bowl with chocolate granola for breakfast and, hopefully, she'll eat this sandwich. Luckily, I caught onto the signs before Alex had a risk of re-feeding syndrome. Her personality and energy are coming back and new positive characteristics are emerging as well.
She is coping with disappointment way better than she used to. She actually came home crying when the ballet master told her she couldn't audition for the role of Clara in The Nutcracker. The tears are a sign that Alex is more open to expressing negative emotions rather than burying them deep within herself. Although most people are nice, I've had to stop using Facebook because of the influx of negative comments.
Most of them, thankfully, are not directed towards Alex, but towards me. They come mainly from other Mindcrack parents who didn't support me pulling Alex out of the school for good. They act like college is everything when it's simply not. I don't know how they were raised or what their stance is on this particular issue, but I knew early on that college wasn't for everyone. Moreover, it certainly wasn't for me.
College just didn't make sense to me. I could make more money as a blacksmith without subjecting myself to all sorts of academic nonsense. Not only that, I'd probably receive death threats for bringing Alex to my classes. Speaking of Alex, she's resorted to curling up in a ball in bed and refusing to do anything. I took the sandwich up to her room and told her to eat. She refused. Naturally, I asked what was wrong as she's been acting kind of odd lately.
"My stomach hurts."
"You seemed fine this morning."
"I'm getting cramps." That could only mean one thing: Alex was about to get her first period. It's one thing to read on the Internet and another to see the changes happen with your own eyes. I obviously can't give any firsthand accounts, but I'm still determined to help in any way I can. She still had a mysterious rash from one of the dance costumes too. When I read the tag, I found that there was latex in the product. I didn't know that Alex was allergic to latex, but I'm just glad her life wasn't endangered again.
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Pumped Up Skates (Landon)
The short skates are today and I've been dumped.
Why did I let him kiss me? He only pitied me and now he dumped me for who knows what. I knew from the start no one could ever really love me. I mean, look at my parents. I had my older sister, Laura, to overshadow me. She was practically perfect, even when she was imperfect. When Lisette was born, I went completely unnoticed. While she was the light of my life, she also managed to pull the light away from me and keep it there.
It wasn't like I was perfect like Laura either. I had my own issues, such as having nocturnal epilepsy. They scolded me for wetting the bed when I had a seizure, but they never did anything like that to Lisette when she wasn't able to get to a toilet. After I tried to drink myself to death at the age of eleven, they dragged me to a psychiatrist loaded me up with drugs that made me feel insane. I only took my meds to please my parents, but this "treatment" replaced my numbness with rage.
At the same time, I was to blame for my actions. I had "friends" that taught me that I should solve my problems with violence rather than constructive means like using the voice I had to sing. The choir director hated my voice because it was better for rock songs. Instead of saying "Screw it" and using my voice, I let my anger fester infect me. Since our group skate is the reprise of Dead Girl Walking, it gave me the opportunity to look back on what I did and realize how lucky I was to have lived and become a better person.
To put it simply, there was a girl who had everything in the world, another who needed the world, and a boy whose soul drowned fighting the resulting tide. I will put my presentation on the ice today and head off to Mineplex High School to tell it in words. Given the climate at Mineplex, I'm surprised that nothing happened there yet. Students are at each other's throats all the time and none of the teachers really seem to care.
I'm skating after Phillip; the sudden mood rotation will allow me to get the audience's attention. I heard name and I skated out to the sound of a song to tell my story.
Why did I let him kiss me? He only pitied me and now he dumped me for who knows what. I knew from the start no one could ever really love me. I mean, look at my parents. I had my older sister, Laura, to overshadow me. She was practically perfect, even when she was imperfect. When Lisette was born, I went completely unnoticed. While she was the light of my life, she also managed to pull the light away from me and keep it there.
It wasn't like I was perfect like Laura either. I had my own issues, such as having nocturnal epilepsy. They scolded me for wetting the bed when I had a seizure, but they never did anything like that to Lisette when she wasn't able to get to a toilet. After I tried to drink myself to death at the age of eleven, they dragged me to a psychiatrist loaded me up with drugs that made me feel insane. I only took my meds to please my parents, but this "treatment" replaced my numbness with rage.
At the same time, I was to blame for my actions. I had "friends" that taught me that I should solve my problems with violence rather than constructive means like using the voice I had to sing. The choir director hated my voice because it was better for rock songs. Instead of saying "Screw it" and using my voice, I let my anger fester infect me. Since our group skate is the reprise of Dead Girl Walking, it gave me the opportunity to look back on what I did and realize how lucky I was to have lived and become a better person.
To put it simply, there was a girl who had everything in the world, another who needed the world, and a boy whose soul drowned fighting the resulting tide. I will put my presentation on the ice today and head off to Mineplex High School to tell it in words. Given the climate at Mineplex, I'm surprised that nothing happened there yet. Students are at each other's throats all the time and none of the teachers really seem to care.
I'm skating after Phillip; the sudden mood rotation will allow me to get the audience's attention. I heard name and I skated out to the sound of a song to tell my story.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Odds and Ends (Emmeline)
I'm singing Odds and Ends for my senior showcase and it seems that it was only yesterday that I learned to love the sound of my voice. I wished Caitlin were here to see me sing, but maybe she'll hear me in spirit. When I talked with her, I confessed that I hated my voice. I was in choir at the time and the director kept trying to hide my voice, but it always managed to stick out like a sore thumb. Did the choir director hate me or my voice?
The choir director called my voice the most unpleasant, grating sound that she had ever heard. As hard as I tried to sing classically, it wouldn't work. She told me I was straining, but this was just how my voice sounded. I tried persuading her to let me sing in the way that felt natural for me, but the choir director always told me that my voice was unfit for human ears.
It was then that my sister introduced me to Vocaloid and suggested that I sing from that genre. But would anyone take me seriously if I suggested it? She helped me with my first set of English lyrics and, when I sang, everyone said I was talented. I left choir and joined drama where my voice was actually wanted. I sang as much Vocaloid as my heart desired, examining the themes of each song. By that, I don't mean AP lit style analysis, but something deeper and more meaningful. Regardless of who sang it, the song was mine to sing and I would sing accordingly.
If I keep going the way I'm going, I'll graduate as valedictorian, athlete of the year, and musician of the year. I should be excited and ready to conquer the world, right? On the contrary, I'm terrified. I only know how to excel within a system. I only learned how to make myself look better. All I can do is uphold a system, not shape or invent one. What happens when I can't break from a system if I find it cruel or unjust? Caitlin warned me about this, but I didn't listen. The damage has been done and I fall apart bit by bit each day, into odds and ends.
The choir director called my voice the most unpleasant, grating sound that she had ever heard. As hard as I tried to sing classically, it wouldn't work. She told me I was straining, but this was just how my voice sounded. I tried persuading her to let me sing in the way that felt natural for me, but the choir director always told me that my voice was unfit for human ears.
It was then that my sister introduced me to Vocaloid and suggested that I sing from that genre. But would anyone take me seriously if I suggested it? She helped me with my first set of English lyrics and, when I sang, everyone said I was talented. I left choir and joined drama where my voice was actually wanted. I sang as much Vocaloid as my heart desired, examining the themes of each song. By that, I don't mean AP lit style analysis, but something deeper and more meaningful. Regardless of who sang it, the song was mine to sing and I would sing accordingly.
If I keep going the way I'm going, I'll graduate as valedictorian, athlete of the year, and musician of the year. I should be excited and ready to conquer the world, right? On the contrary, I'm terrified. I only know how to excel within a system. I only learned how to make myself look better. All I can do is uphold a system, not shape or invent one. What happens when I can't break from a system if I find it cruel or unjust? Caitlin warned me about this, but I didn't listen. The damage has been done and I fall apart bit by bit each day, into odds and ends.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Reflections on Rightness (Steve)
Here I am at home with only a healing punctured lung and Lisette is at orchestra with probably the worst psychological wounds she will ever suffer in her lifetime. It's hard enough living with a disability of her nature and even harder to be doxxed over innocent Tweets. I can't imagine what life is like for her after all of this, especially since I brought her and some other students into this situation in the first place.
I have no feelings of hatred towards Masumi Shoji, the main perpetrator. Am I angry? Am I appalled? Yes. But I don't hate her. I refuse to do so. Hate is the popular response. Hate gives people allies. But I don't want allies. I want to do the right thing. My dog licked my fingers and settled in a position where I could pet him. I did so. Ever since my time in the hospital, my life came to a crashing halt. I'm not particularly religious, but maybe some higher power needed to force me to stop and reflect.
Landon sent me another video of his skating progress and, speaking of Landon, I've been considering ending my relationship with him. My intentions weren't true and my judgment wasn't clear when I decided to pursue the relationship. The shock of losing Caitlin had caused me to act in ways I wouldn't otherwise act. I kept comparing my previous relationship with this one and never quite got over it. I'm worried that, if I continue down this route, we'll both get hurt. It's like preventing an infection with alcohol. Both of us need to deal with the initial sting in order to prevent agony down the road.
But the question is: Should I tell him? I'd hate to crush his spirit with something like this, especially since what happened at the Desert Violin Convention affected him just as much as it affected me. However, at the same time, I need to tell him. I can't keep putting it off pretending everything's alright when it's not. I thought I need to love someone else in order to distract myself from my grief, but it just occurred to me that I need to learn how to love and be honest with myself.
I have no feelings of hatred towards Masumi Shoji, the main perpetrator. Am I angry? Am I appalled? Yes. But I don't hate her. I refuse to do so. Hate is the popular response. Hate gives people allies. But I don't want allies. I want to do the right thing. My dog licked my fingers and settled in a position where I could pet him. I did so. Ever since my time in the hospital, my life came to a crashing halt. I'm not particularly religious, but maybe some higher power needed to force me to stop and reflect.
Landon sent me another video of his skating progress and, speaking of Landon, I've been considering ending my relationship with him. My intentions weren't true and my judgment wasn't clear when I decided to pursue the relationship. The shock of losing Caitlin had caused me to act in ways I wouldn't otherwise act. I kept comparing my previous relationship with this one and never quite got over it. I'm worried that, if I continue down this route, we'll both get hurt. It's like preventing an infection with alcohol. Both of us need to deal with the initial sting in order to prevent agony down the road.
But the question is: Should I tell him? I'd hate to crush his spirit with something like this, especially since what happened at the Desert Violin Convention affected him just as much as it affected me. However, at the same time, I need to tell him. I can't keep putting it off pretending everything's alright when it's not. I thought I need to love someone else in order to distract myself from my grief, but it just occurred to me that I need to learn how to love and be honest with myself.
The Road to Recovery (Jordan)
I've taken matters into my own hands and now it's time to place them in someone else's.
I'm waiting to meet with a counselor about whatever's going on with Alex. She keeps insisting that she's fat and disgusting when that couldn't be further from the truth. Lately, she's taken to eating rather hastily, not talking to me about her day, and cutting friends off with very little warning. Her personality made a 180 from where it originally was and part of me thinks I'm to blame. Looking back, I probably indirectly drove her into the overachiever mindset by way of my use of language which places emphasis on achievement rather than intrinsic value. The pediatric psychologist, Dr. Eugenia Liu, helped me to see that. She has been a great help for both of us.
Not only that, Dr. Liu helped Alex pinpoint one of the sources of her distorted body image. She told me that part of it had to do with her old vocal teacher's suicide. Alex told us that she felt like she wasn't good enough for Caitlin, one of the key positive female role models in her life, to stay around. She blamed herself and even said that she thought Caitlin would have stayed if she were thinner.
We're also meeting with a nutritionist, a family counselor, and her doctor. I've never had so many people fighting specifically for Alex since her birth. After she grew from a baby to a child, everyone sort of left. I was too stubborn and proud to ask for help, so I tried to do everything on my own. I don't know how, but I managed until now. I tried to get Alex to eat something, but she either didn't eat enough or wouldn't eat altogether. Rewards didn't work and neither did explaining the consequences of starving herself.
Alex is still in bed because she doesn't have the energy to do much else. One can only hope that she can rise above all of this and somehow make it through life as a semi-decent person. But I've never been one to settle for semi-decent and neither has Alex. She's young and can recover; it's just a matter of when and how. If it means I have to go a week without even glancing at a sword, so be it. Alex needs me, not what I can do, but me.
I'm waiting to meet with a counselor about whatever's going on with Alex. She keeps insisting that she's fat and disgusting when that couldn't be further from the truth. Lately, she's taken to eating rather hastily, not talking to me about her day, and cutting friends off with very little warning. Her personality made a 180 from where it originally was and part of me thinks I'm to blame. Looking back, I probably indirectly drove her into the overachiever mindset by way of my use of language which places emphasis on achievement rather than intrinsic value. The pediatric psychologist, Dr. Eugenia Liu, helped me to see that. She has been a great help for both of us.
Not only that, Dr. Liu helped Alex pinpoint one of the sources of her distorted body image. She told me that part of it had to do with her old vocal teacher's suicide. Alex told us that she felt like she wasn't good enough for Caitlin, one of the key positive female role models in her life, to stay around. She blamed herself and even said that she thought Caitlin would have stayed if she were thinner.
We're also meeting with a nutritionist, a family counselor, and her doctor. I've never had so many people fighting specifically for Alex since her birth. After she grew from a baby to a child, everyone sort of left. I was too stubborn and proud to ask for help, so I tried to do everything on my own. I don't know how, but I managed until now. I tried to get Alex to eat something, but she either didn't eat enough or wouldn't eat altogether. Rewards didn't work and neither did explaining the consequences of starving herself.
Alex is still in bed because she doesn't have the energy to do much else. One can only hope that she can rise above all of this and somehow make it through life as a semi-decent person. But I've never been one to settle for semi-decent and neither has Alex. She's young and can recover; it's just a matter of when and how. If it means I have to go a week without even glancing at a sword, so be it. Alex needs me, not what I can do, but me.
Monday, October 2, 2017
The Desert Violin Convention (Landon)
"You need to come with me right now." A rink attendant came up to me just as I was about to practice my quad axel again. If not for the makeup, all color on her face would have vanished. "Get Mark too." What was going on? I skated over to Mark and called his name. Confused, we put on our skate guards and moved past the other skaters as quickly as we could. I still had my skates on, but I put on my guards. We followed the attendant and she sat us down.
"There was a shooting at the Desert Violin Convention."
"Does it involve anyone we know?" Mark always knew what questions to ask. I felt like there was tape over my mouth. Lisette had messaged me for days on end about how excited she was for the convention. Is she okay? Is she alive? I was the one who suggested that she go to the violin convention. The last thing I need is more blood on my hands.
"The good news, Landon, is that your sister is okay. She somehow managed to escape with only a few scrapes. However, she still needs your full support as she just survived the worst mass shooting since Havencraft." She was okay. That was all I needed to hear. She went on to mention some Mineplex students who attended the convention. One was shot in the leg. Another had injuries from falling on a broken violin. But that didn't matter. Lisette was okay.
"Any bad news?"
"Steve was shot in the back and one of his lungs was punctured. The surgeons have worked very hard and his recovery is going smoothly." My stomach started churning. No. No. No. "He protected your sister. If you want to visit, he would probably like that, but you probably want to practice that quad axel again."
When I got up, my legs would not support my weight. I had to lean on Mark for support, both physical and mental. I didn't feel right skating, not now. I called Phillip to tell him about what happened at the Desert Violin Convention and that I wouldn't be able to practice today. I managed to choke out a few words before vomiting in a trashcan. I'm the one who deserves to be injured in a shooting, not Steve, not after all he's done for everyone.
"There was a shooting at the Desert Violin Convention."
"Does it involve anyone we know?" Mark always knew what questions to ask. I felt like there was tape over my mouth. Lisette had messaged me for days on end about how excited she was for the convention. Is she okay? Is she alive? I was the one who suggested that she go to the violin convention. The last thing I need is more blood on my hands.
"The good news, Landon, is that your sister is okay. She somehow managed to escape with only a few scrapes. However, she still needs your full support as she just survived the worst mass shooting since Havencraft." She was okay. That was all I needed to hear. She went on to mention some Mineplex students who attended the convention. One was shot in the leg. Another had injuries from falling on a broken violin. But that didn't matter. Lisette was okay.
"Any bad news?"
"Steve was shot in the back and one of his lungs was punctured. The surgeons have worked very hard and his recovery is going smoothly." My stomach started churning. No. No. No. "He protected your sister. If you want to visit, he would probably like that, but you probably want to practice that quad axel again."
When I got up, my legs would not support my weight. I had to lean on Mark for support, both physical and mental. I didn't feel right skating, not now. I called Phillip to tell him about what happened at the Desert Violin Convention and that I wouldn't be able to practice today. I managed to choke out a few words before vomiting in a trashcan. I'm the one who deserves to be injured in a shooting, not Steve, not after all he's done for everyone.
Friday, September 15, 2017
Better (Steve)
Okay, what just happened?
We were fine a week ago and then everything went to pot. It looks like morale is down. Due to the temperature controls being broken, our spleef game was cancelled and I had the Mindcrack band entertain the audience for an hour and a half. Good call, right? Wrong.
Even though everyone got up and left, I made the mistake of making my band play longer. I thought someone would stay, but no. Everyone left. My students have a right to be mad at me, but that's no excuse for their shoddy marching. I had them run the drill again. Unsatisfactory run after unsatisfactory run followed. Why can't they do anything right? I taught them well, didn't I?
I told Chloe to do more micro-runs since those are at lease pseudo-productive. Rehearsal went down the drain. All of us are tired and bitter. Why did I keep them playing when the audience wasn't there? And why did they keep following me? I'm glad they followed me, but I'm still frustrated, both with them for the lack of productivity and with myself for not being a better band teacher.
Mark's band mastered all their sets and mine's struggling to get by. We only have one song. Our sets are simple. We've done it before, so why can't we do it again? My band did a reasonably successful full run, so I had them run it again. That run was a train wreck, but no one died. Rehearsal time ran out, so I released them rather than cutting into their passing period. In the Mindcrack band, respect is bilateral. If I don't respect my students' time, who am I tell them to respect mine?
I got to replacing the end pin on a school cello. Since that old end pin has snapped and been glued together too many times for it to be good for the cellist playing it, I repaired it. My students deserve better. My TV audience deserves better. The world's eyes are on me for many things: guidance, familiarity, and comfort. It never occurred to me until now that my presence on TV is a comfort, like I'm right there reaching out to millions of people just by sitting in front of a camera.
Landon deserves better. He's training for the ice show and gearing up for his first presentation at none other than Mineplex High School. I don't know if Mark bugged the staff into letting him present with surreal memes, but I'm still happy for him nonetheless. Why can I not be there for him more often? Why did he choose me? I've already failed Caitlin. If anyone deserves a second chance at a meaningful relationship, it's not me. I've already played with too many girls' emotions for it to sit well with my conscience. Even so, I feel guilty for missing her. I've already started another relationship. Isn't it time to move on?
Why can't the world have someone better?
We were fine a week ago and then everything went to pot. It looks like morale is down. Due to the temperature controls being broken, our spleef game was cancelled and I had the Mindcrack band entertain the audience for an hour and a half. Good call, right? Wrong.
Even though everyone got up and left, I made the mistake of making my band play longer. I thought someone would stay, but no. Everyone left. My students have a right to be mad at me, but that's no excuse for their shoddy marching. I had them run the drill again. Unsatisfactory run after unsatisfactory run followed. Why can't they do anything right? I taught them well, didn't I?
I told Chloe to do more micro-runs since those are at lease pseudo-productive. Rehearsal went down the drain. All of us are tired and bitter. Why did I keep them playing when the audience wasn't there? And why did they keep following me? I'm glad they followed me, but I'm still frustrated, both with them for the lack of productivity and with myself for not being a better band teacher.
Mark's band mastered all their sets and mine's struggling to get by. We only have one song. Our sets are simple. We've done it before, so why can't we do it again? My band did a reasonably successful full run, so I had them run it again. That run was a train wreck, but no one died. Rehearsal time ran out, so I released them rather than cutting into their passing period. In the Mindcrack band, respect is bilateral. If I don't respect my students' time, who am I tell them to respect mine?
I got to replacing the end pin on a school cello. Since that old end pin has snapped and been glued together too many times for it to be good for the cellist playing it, I repaired it. My students deserve better. My TV audience deserves better. The world's eyes are on me for many things: guidance, familiarity, and comfort. It never occurred to me until now that my presence on TV is a comfort, like I'm right there reaching out to millions of people just by sitting in front of a camera.
Landon deserves better. He's training for the ice show and gearing up for his first presentation at none other than Mineplex High School. I don't know if Mark bugged the staff into letting him present with surreal memes, but I'm still happy for him nonetheless. Why can I not be there for him more often? Why did he choose me? I've already failed Caitlin. If anyone deserves a second chance at a meaningful relationship, it's not me. I've already played with too many girls' emotions for it to sit well with my conscience. Even so, I feel guilty for missing her. I've already started another relationship. Isn't it time to move on?
Why can't the world have someone better?
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